Lois Lane 101 — A Handbook

By Round Robin

Edited by VirginiaR <lc.virginiaR@gmail.com>

Rated PG

Submitted April 2012

Summary: A handbook for Clark Kent on the care, feeding, and loving of a soulmate. These rules are for Clark Kent about Lois Lane.

A multiauthored story by VirginiaR, Deadly Chakram, Lynn S.M., Darth Michael, Mouserocks, Shimauma, Framework4, Christina, Shallowford, Lara Joelle Kent, SJH, Classicalla, and Olive

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Rule #1 — Never talk to Lois while making love. (you never know what stupid thing you say will cool her off.)

Rule #2 — Feed chocolate, often. More than once a day, preferably.

Rule #3 — Lois NEVER feels guilty.

Rule #4 — Always keep an eye on her, she’s slippery.

Rule #5 — NEVER trust her when she says that she will stay out of trouble.

Rule #6 — Keep well hydrated with coffee, wine, and cream soda.

Rule # 7 — DON’T let her see this list.

Rule #8 — Water her plants for her; they’ll die otherwise.

Rule #9 — Even when Lois is wrong, she’s right.

Rule #10 — When all else fails, refer back to rule #2.

Rule #11 — Expect Lois to be high maintenance, but she is worth it.

Rule #12 — Just be upfront about the whole Superman thing. It’ll save you a world of headaches in the long run.

Rule #13 — Don’t eat Lois’ food. When in doubt, order out.

Rule #14 — She’s top banana.

Rule #15 — Chumpy is a word.

Rule #16 — She cheats at poker, but don’t call her on it.

Rule #17 — Never get between Lois and a story.

Rule #18 — Don’t let her hold any food intended for Bobby Bigmouth.

Rule #19 — No matter how ridiculous her hunch sounds, take it seriously. More often than not, she’s right.

Rule #20 — Lois doesn’t always follow her three rules to live by.

Rule #21 — Keep away from people named Dan.

Rule #22 — Keep away from people named Lex.

Rule #23 — Keep away from people named Maxwell — especially if they are a doctor.

Rule #24 — Remember. As fragile as your own heart is, so is her own. She’s had a rough life.

Rule #25 — Actually, don’t trust anyone attracted to Lois. For some reason, she’s a slime-magnet.

Rule #26 — If Lois says she’s not up to anything, she’s lying. She usually is. Feel free to stalk from a reasonable distance.

Rule #27 — In case stalking backfires, run. Or come up with lame excuse and run. If in Superman outfit, fake an emergency.

Rule #28 — Be careful with her skull. She may seem thickheaded sometimes, but a bump on the noggin will make her forget the best guy in the universe is her boyfriend…twice…

Rule #29 — Quit looking at her legs or you’ll never get any work done.

Rule #30 — Give Lois a break with the suit, she may find you a little too irresistible. Attempt to save all hints at nookie for the bedroom (and that includes all attempts at seduction.)

Rule #31 — Failing that, make sure all original photographs and evidence of said nookie is destroyed immediately. Saving it in a little box in your bedroom may not be enough.

Rule #32 — Wait until Wells gives you two the ok (I know you don’t want to wait, but unless you do, you’ll lose her, and your worst fears will be confirmed.)

Rule #33 — Make sure she gets to accept you as a friend, but don’t forget to leave hints that you’re more than a little attracted to her.

Rule #34 — Double Fudge Crunch Bars are your friend. Keep a box of them in your drawer for emergencies. (Don’t tell Lois!)

Rule #35 — Lois does not like odd or strange gifts / art, especially sent anonymously.

Rule #36 — Do not make angry. Stay calm. No sudden movements. I know it will be tempting to fly off — don’t!

Rule #37 — Do feed after midnight. Do get wet. (Repeat)

Rule #38 — If sprayed with a love perfume, do not allow yourself to be in close proximity to her for extended periods of time.

#38a — Consequences include long nights pacing your living room from ceiling to floor and an eventual breakdown in your desire to keep your friendship intact in favor of making love to her (and possibly losing her in the process.)

Rule #39 — When Lois really is on top (i.e. the boss) at work, don’t let her either push you away or overwork herself. She really does need you now more than ever.

Rule #40 — Do get her gifts, but make certain that she knows they would only be the kind of gifts you can give (that way there is no mistaking who they came from.)

Rule #41 — 9 times out of 10 Lois will want to drive. Let her. She knows the basic traffic laws, but this does not mean she will follow them.

Rule #42 — Anytime Lois offers to take you out for pasta, accept, and enjoy any said consequences.

Rule #43 — Do not let Lois and Ellen or Sam Lane (or both) hang out together alone for longer than 1/2 hour at a time unsupervised.

Rule #44 — The only time she’ll ever let you put her on a leash is when she’s pretending to be your concubine. (Don’t ask!)

Rule #45 — If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd — check DNA and make sure she hasn’t been replaced by a clone.

#45a — If she has been replaced by a clone, see Rule #22 for who has probably kidnapped the real Lois.

#45b — If she has not been replaced by a clone, see Rules #46 — #48.

Rule #46 — If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd — check to make sure she doesn’t have amnesia.

#46a — If she has amnesia, see Rules #22 & #23.

#46b — If she does not have amnesia, see Rules #45, #47, & #48.

Rule #47 — If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd — her mind may be held hostage by Lex Luthor’s son, Lex Jr., follow her and destroy his Neuroscanner machine to free her mind.

#47a — If her mind isn’t being held hostage by the Neuroscanner, please see Rules #45-46, & #48.

Rule #48 — If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd — and you two have visited a Virtual Reality experience video game recently, double check that both of you have actually left the game.

#48a — If you aren’t stuck in a VR game, please see Rules #45-47.

Rule #49 — From the moment Lois agrees to marry you until the moment you consummate said marriage (see Rule #32)

#49a — Do not let Lois out of your sight;

#49b — Make sure said marriage happens ASAP, so that it does not get postponed by either of your ex’s.

Rule #50 — If you decide to take Lois on a romantic weekend to a private island resort, leave the blue suit at home.

#50a — Check out the location beforehand for criminal masterminds living nearby.

#50b — Take her camping instead.

Rule #51 — Do not ever- and I repeat, EVER- expect or attempt to put Lois on a leash. She will almost surely never listen and the backlash will be fiercely painful.

#51a — The only exception to this rule is if she is acting as your concubine. If you don’t know what this means, then don’t ask.

Rule #52 — Lois enjoys a good costume, if the whole Superman-thing isn’t a dead giveaway. Be patient with her no matter what she decides to wear- whether she’s dressed up as a man or in a rather revealing harem costume.

#52a — Lois in disguise usually gets good results, no matter her purpose. Consider yourself duly warned.

Rule #53 — Don’t ever, under any circumstances, use the memory wipe kiss on Lois. You want her with all her memories at all times. (See Rules #22, #23 and #46)

Rule #54 — Never mention Lois’s romance novel to ANYONE!

Rule #55 — In addition to the aforementioned chocolate, be sure to stock up on ice cream. Vanilla is definitely to be preferred to rocky road.

Rule #56 — If Lois gets a haircut, it may or may not have to do with you.

#56a — It may be because her viewpoint on life has just changed, (because she found out she’s in love with a man who moonlights in tights)

#56b — Or it may have to do with the ease of getting ready in the morning.

#56b-1/2 — Or it could be because she has found herself in a Tank story.

#56c — Either way, she prefers the little white lie, if you don’t like it. If it looks horrible (which it can) and you’re like me, and you really don’t want to lie, be as complimentary as possible without telling her you hate it. I prefer to give her the small compliment and then ignore it until she cuts it again into a more complimentary style.

#56d — Don’t forget: it doesn’t matter what her hair looks like, she’s still Lois Lane underneath.

Rule #57 — Always offer her a taste of your chocolate dessert. If she really wants it, she’ll just take it anyway — so you might as well give her a polite out.

Rule #58 — If Lois is unable to be found, check the three likeliest places.

- 1: The Daily Planet

- 2: Her favorite ice cream joint of the week.

- 3: Dangling over the jaws of death.

Rule #59 — To turn off babble mode, apply your lips to hers.

#59a — Repeat as often as necessary.

Rule #60 — When Lois says that she doesn’t need or want you around, that’s usually when she needs you the most.

Rule #61 — When Lois is being threatened, it is perfectly acceptable to keep watch over her apartment all night long. Chances are, she’ll need you close at hand.

Rule #62 — Exposing Lois to your Kryptonian birth-wife will bring out intense feelings of jealousy.

Rule #63 — To bring Lois out of her shell and start the process of friendship building, simply take to the Smallville Corn Fest.

#63a — Frequent exposure to the elder Kents is good for Lois.

Rule #64 — Do not expect Lois to automatically be happy for you when you are nominated for an award and she isn’t.

Rule #65 — Lois plays every game to win.

Rule #66 — Ethics according to Lois: It is acceptable for her to x-ray your butt to check out your underwear. It is not acceptable for you to x-ray her butt to check out hers.

Rule #67 — If Ultra Woman comes to town, use any means necessary to ensure that Lady Zara is nowhere to be found.

Rule #68 — It really is the little things that count. Bringing her a perfectly made cup of coffee will impress her more than flying off to Paris for a plate of cheese, especially once she knows your secret.

Rule #69 — If she challenges you to not use your powers for an entire weekend, it’s not cheating to use them to save her life.

Rule #70 — Lois may hate the holidays, but that’s only because she hasn’t yet spent them with you. Only you can change her mind about them.

Rule #71 — Lois’ favorite colors are red, yellow and blue. Go large on the blue.

Rule #72 — If you need to stop Lois in rant mode, just kiss her.

Rule #73 — If Lois needs a new plant for her desk, get her a cactus.

Rule #74 — Never ever hide your boss in your closet — she’ll get the wrong idea.

Rule #75 — Lois always gets her way. Don’t try to stop her, just go along, and you two will be fine (with a little super help).

Rule #76 — If you like Lois with long hair, don’t introduce her to Tank Wilson.

Rule #77 — Before you have to leave for NK, get Lois and fly her through a thunderstorm; that should keep her safe for a while.

Rule #78 — Keep her challenged.

#78a — If you want her to do something she wouldn’t usually do, make it a challenge.

Rule #79 — Don’t bet against Lois. She wins. Always.

Rule #80 — She does not carry a pistol, but lock picks, a Swiss army knife, maybe a billiard ball or two, a tennis racket, golf clubs, an assortment of board games and a stolen DA’s beeper in her purse, which is why she travels Superman express. She will never get past airport security.

Rule #81 — If Lois starts to open up to you about her feelings, STAY AWAKE regardless of how tired you are at the moment. Trust us, it’s worth it.

Rule #82 — When both of you start talking at the same time, let Lois go first. (After all, you were raised to be a gentleman.)

Rule #83 — Before you move in together, install a smoke detector in the kitchen.

Rule #84 — Regardless of #83, Lois does rate 5 stars in the kitchen.

#84a: She also rates 5 stars on the ceiling or any other place you can imagine.

Rule #85 — Lois is in need of a good locksmith or maybe she should just close her windows.

#85a — Not to bar Superman, but because other men either try to sneak in through, or toss her out of, open windows.

Rule #86 — When all else fails refer to rule 10 which refers to rule 2.

Rule #87 — When rule 86 fails refer to rule 55.

Rule #88 — When rules 86 and 87 fail, combine those rules and serve Lois a hot fudge sundae.

Rule #89 — Probably best if you just keep Lois away from all very (millionaire/billionaire) rich men.

#89a — Lex Luthor tried to break her.

#89b — Bill Church endeavored to kill her.

#89c — Spencer Spencer aimed to make her his sex slave.

#89d — Bill Church Jr. tried to blow her up.

#89e — Patrick Sullivan wanted her for an ancient Druid sacrifice ritual.

#89f — Tim (and Amber) Lake sought her for their collection.

#89g — Randy Goode attempted to ruin her reputation.

#89h — Lex Luthor Jr. tortured her and tried to bend her to his will.

Rule #90 — If Lois has lost her memory, don’t give up.

Rule #91 — Before saying “I do”, check Lois for hints of the broken ankle (or any other formerly broken bone/scar) she told you about.

Rule #92 — Keep Lois away from any kind of blonde. They won’t get along. (Linda King, Lana Lang, Toni Taylor, Toni Baines…)

Rule #93 — Never imply, suggest, or hint that anyone (especially Linda King) is a better reporter than Lois, even if she got scooped. Just accept as fact that there is no one better. Trust me on this.

Rule #94 — Never lie or omit anything from Lois. She’ll find out about it sooner or later, and you’ll be in the doghouse. She’s got more spies, informants, and sources than Alice. Plus, she knows a guy who knows guys who knows guys.

Rule #95 — Remind Lois she needs to take a day off every once in a while.

— Ways to distract Lois into taking a day off from Daily Planet:

#95a — Take a day off from work and Super duties yourself (Take a deep breath. It’s okay; you

can do this. The world probably won’t end),

#95b — Bet her that you can go longer without using your powers than she can without working,

#95c — Marry her, (Lois Lane, not a clone, not some New Kryptonian lady, her — See Rule # 91)

#95d — Take her to Smallville.

#95e — (Extreme case — use only in a dire emergency) Ask Lois to get rid of some green K for you. Preferably in the Bermuda Triangle (then keep a long-distance eye on her. Who knows what kind of mischief she might get herself into while there?)

Rule #96 — Feed her fish. She will often forget about them in the pursuit of a story.

Rule #97 — If said fish meet their timely (or untimely) end, comfort Lois and help her find new ones to torture erm… nurture.

Rule #98 — Don’t worry about buying her potted flowers for her desk. She has a terrible black thumb when it comes to plants. Buy her cut flowers instead, as they are expected to die anyway (just remember to refill the container with water for her in the meantime.)

Rule #99 — Remind her that yes, you are weird, but it works for you.

Rule #100 — Even though Lois acts like she never wants children, this is just to disguise the fact that she’s scared of being a failure as a mother, as she assumes Ellen Lane was. (She wasn’t a complete failure, or Lois wouldn’t be the wonderful woman that she is.) Lois wants very much to have children, and even broke down in tears when she learned that, biologically, we were incompatible to produce offspring. I’m sorry.

Rule #101 — When you’re told that you can’t have children, be there for her. Don’t give up hope and don’t let her give it up either. Be there for each other. You might just be surprised with what the future holds.

THE END

Table of Contents

Lois Lane 101 A Handbook