Clark Kent 101 — A Handbook

By Various

Rated: G

Submitted: May 2012

Summary: A handbook for an alt-Lois to understand her alt-Clark better.

This thread is arose from a similar thread about 101 rules for Lois Lane. (See http://www.lcfanfic.com/stories/2012/html/lois101.html for those rules.) Lynn S. M. issued the challenge for this thread, but many authors contributed to it. The authors (In the order of their first rule) are: Lynn S. M., Virginia R., Deadly Chakram, Ultra Woman, Mouserocks, Shimauma, Christina, Shallowford, Lara Joelle Kent, SJH, and Marcus Rowland. Lynn S. M. compiled the rules and did some minor editing.

Disclaimer: All characters mentioned herein belong to Warner Brothers and DC Comics. They are being borrowed for a little not-for-profit fun.

***

Rule #1: He may be super, but he isn’t perfect.

Rule #2: He can be incredibly stubborn. At times, you need to be even more so. At other times, you need to swallow your pride and go along with what he wants. The trick is to know which time is which.

Rule #3: His heart is always in the right place, but that doesn’t mean his head is.

Rule #4: He’s a lot more than a simple hack from Nowheresville.

Rule #5: He’s not as absentminded as all of his “I forgot…” excuses would have you believe. Look closer!

Rule #6: Do I have to spell it out for you? Hello! Duh! Clark Kent is Superman!

Rule #7: If you ever need help trying to understand him, just ask Martha.

Rule #8: If you see him cock his head like a bird, be prepared for him to take flight.

Rule #9: He may be (nearly) invulnerable physically, but he is very vulnerable emotionally. Handle with care.

Rule #10: If he tries to break up with you for your own good, don’t let him get away with it.

Rule #11: Keep him away from any rocks that glow green. Or red. Or any other color, for that matter.

Rule #12: Always let him go first. He’ll feel more manlier, and you’ll be able to check out things from behind.

Rule #12a: Make sure he doesn’t have his fingers crossed.

Rule #13: Keep away from people named Mayson.

Rule #14: A kiss/declaration of love is a good way of keeping him in Metropolis when it looks like he’s going to run away.

Rule #15: Failing Rule #14: look into micro chipping/LoJacking him. It’ll make him a lot easier to find.

Rule #16: Ask yourself if any of his lame excuses *really* make any sense. When in doubt, investigate. If it sounds too bizarre (ie Cheese of the Month club) it probably isn’t true.

Rule #17: You can use “lunkhead” as a term of endearment with him.

Rule #18: For sex, just feed him pasta.

Rule #18a: When following the above, be warned that he may be insatiable. He *is* Superman, after all.

Rule #19: He is not schizophrenic; he just has a bad habit of talking about himself in the third person.

Rule #20: He is not schizophrenic but he can get jealous of himself. Don’t pine over him when he is wearing the suit.

Rule #21: Never give him a plain, monochromatic tie.

Rule #22: If the lunkhead side of him becomes out of control, call in the big guns: his mother.

Rule #23: 1000 watt grin is exceedingly helpful to increased libido…daily use is recommended

Rule #24: Deep copper brown gaze has been known to cause swooning…also recommended daily…several doses

Rule #25: If he runs off on you in the middle of a conversation, take a deep breath. It’s not you and it’s not him. It’s someone needing help.

Rule #26: If Clark Kent dies in front of you, make a call to his parents in Smallville for advice. Hopefully they’ll give you a little solace in a way you may not realize.

Rule #27: If you are not ready to accept his proposal, be sure to emphasize that “not yet” does NOT mean “never.”

Rule #28: Never, ever let him push you away, especially when affected by Red Kryptonite. He needs your help more than ever on those occasions.

Rule #29: When New Kryptonians arrive to have him come with them, be supportive but make sure he knows where you stand on the decision.

Rule #30: When Clark is injured, be worried. Very worried.

Rule #31: If you are approached by an older English gentleman claiming to be H.G. Wells, and if Clark decides to follow him, don’t hesitate to go along. Chances are you’ve done it before and you’ll do it again.

Rule #32: Clark is your soul mate. Knowing that may save you a lot of grief down the road and make forgiveness easier to find.

Rule #33: Yes, forgiveness will be necessary in your relationship. Refer to rules containing the words “lunkhead” or “stubborn.”

Rule #34: Clark is a v… very patient man. Patience, however unlikely, may be necessary on your side as well. Keep that in mind before jumping his bones. It may just save you.

Rule #35: Though his personae may seem to be two sides of the same coin, he’s very jealous of his “super” side. Make sure you let him know that you love his Clark side more. (Repeat as often as necessary)

Rule #36: When going anywhere outside of Metropolis (and sometime within), please take him along with you.

Rule #37: If he seems to be psychic, it’s only because he has super hearing and he’s been listening in on your conversations.

Rule #37a: Never say anything out loud you wouldn’t want Clark to hear (unless you know he’s safely out of town).

Rule #38: Be careful what you inadvertently wish for, unless you really, really want it. This applies to (but not limited by): snow from the Andes, huge bars of Swiss chocolate, pearls from Japan, or enough French cheese to last you a year.

Rule #39: Clark may wear leaded glasses only when he is in his civvies, but his rose-colored glasses never come off.

Rule #40: For best results, place into direct sunlight.

Rule #41: Keep a 2x4 (or other heavy, blunt object of your choice) handy at all times. You never know when he may say or do something stupid and need some sense knocked into him.

Rule #41a: Or remind him that he’s Superman.

Rule #42 If your boyfriend has a barber named Waldo, said boyfriend is either very confident or he knows people who know people.

Rule # 43 Always take Waldo’s phone calls.

Rule #44: Ethics lesson: While it is acceptable for you to x-ray his butt to check out his underwear, please remind him that it is not acceptable for him to x-ray your butt to check out yours. Nor for him to suggest that he could x-ray through your non-lead-lined clothing.

Rule #45: If Lady Zara comes to town and you’ve got Superman’s powers (i.e. you’re Ultra Woman), it is best if you stay away from her. Clark won’t like if it you kill anyone, even if they deserve it.

Rule #46: Never say anything bad about small town people — you might be insulting his parents.

Rule #47: Don’t let him stop you from anything. If you do it anyway, he’ll just go along.

Rule #48: You’ll learn that “flyboy” is one step up from “farmboy.”

Rule #49: Let him do the household chores. They’ll get done much faster, and leave more time for much nicer occupations.

Rule #50: Never try to give him a hickey.

Rule #51: Don’t believe everything he tells you.

Rule #51a: If it’s a lame excuse, don’t believe it.

Rule #51b: However, if what he tells you sounds rather outrageous, it’s probably true. (Such as him being able to order dinner in over 300 languages, or him having learned ballroom dancing from a Nigerian princess, or your fiancé being a criminal mastermind…)

Rule #52: If you want to save money on airfare, steal his glasses and take a good look at his face.

Rule #53: Don’t jump to conclusions when you find your boss in Clark’s closet.

Rule #54: Trust me. He’s not interested in Cat Grant. Rule

Rule #55: Don’t steal Clark’s story — you will regret it.

Rule #55a: If you do steal his story, avoid the Metropolis Sewage Reclamation Facility like the plague.

Rule #55b: If you don’t, at least pack enough mosquito repellant to last you a lifetime and be sure to have some clothes at work that you can change into.

Rule #56: When he gives you a completely strange suggestion for a leading question in an important interview, just go with it. (Even if it’s about baseball.)

Rule #57: Don’t worry about introducing him to your family; they won’t be able to scare him off.

Rule #58: If there’s something you don’t want Clark to know, don’t tell Superman about it; they’re close. Very close.

Rule #59: If Clark happens to get shot in front of you, please note the absence of any blood. Now, think long and hard about what that means.

Rule #60: If Clark is ever sick, be very, *very* worried.

Rule #61: Do not let Clark train to duel in your apartment unless you *like* having the place look like World War III.

Rule #61a: If you *do* allow the above, please be sure to remove your fragile/irreplaceable items.

Rule #62: Keep away from Jason Trask, Bureau 39, faux EPA agents, and lie detectors.

Rule #63: Keep away from Lex Luthor; Clark might try to heal Lex if he gets shot. Best to just let Luthor die. (Just trust me on this one.)

Rule #64: Keep away from Perry’s son, Jerry White.

Rule #65: Keep away from anyone with the last name of “Newtrich.”

Rule #66: Patience is a virtue. Remind him to spin *out* of the suit before getting amorous.

Rule #67: Clark has his own set of “rules” (code, creed, whatever) that he lives by:

Rule #67a: Thou shalt not kill a human (no matter how much they deserve it).

Rule #67b: Thou shalt not harm a human (no matter how much they deserve it).

Rule #67c: Thou shalt be honest (unless trying to hide one’s secret identity, especially from anyone named Lois).

Rule #67d: Thou shalt follow the laws of the land (unless working with Lois on an investigative reporting assignment).

Rule #68: Clark may be able to order dinner in 347 languages, but his accents can be quite bad.

Rule #69: Tell him, “Clark, sweetie, those little black box things with wires sticking out of them are explosive devices, not fresh veggies. You don’t have to swallow them. Also, it’s not a good idea to sit on one — an explosive device or a fresh veggie.

Rule #70: Remind Clark that he needs to take a day off every once in a while. Ways to distract Clark into taking a day off from his Super duties include:

Rule #70a: Take a day off from work yourself. (Take a deep breath. It’s okay; you can do this. The world probably won’t end.)

Rule #70b: Go with him to a deserted island and bet him he can’t refrain from using his powers for the day.

Rule #70c: Marry him.

Rule #70d: Visit Smallville.

Rule #70e: Rent a harem costume.

Rule # 71: It takes a lot for Clark to have a bad day. His bad days tend to be worse than everyone else’s.

71a: Make sure you remind him that it’s not his fault when someone dies.

71b: Stay with him. He really doesn’t want to be alone, even if he says he does.

71c: Hold him until he feels better.

Rule #72: If Clark (or Superman) seems not to care anymore, check surrounding area for red glowing rocks.

Rule #72a: See Rule #65.

Rule #73: Clark Kent may be a mild-mannered reporter, but that doesn’t mean he’ll allow you to walk all over him…(at least, not all of the time).

Rule #74: If you ever steal his story, he *will* get even. And you will not enjoy it. See Rule #73.

Rule #75: Before condemning him for keeping secrets from you, walk…err fly…a mile in his shoes. A red Kryptonite laser will do the trick.

Rule #76: It’s best if you keep Dr. Klein on speed dial.

Rule #77: When told that you are incompatible for reproduction (and you both get a serious case of sadness), remember and remind Clark that Superman’s descendants will found Utopia. Even super-smart scientists can be wrong!

Rule #78: Keep an eye on Clark. He has a knack for getting in trouble when his powers are lost (for various reasons).

Rule #79: Green glowing gems are never a good fashion choice.

Rule #80: Don’t bother bringing your own coffee to work anymore. Once Clark learns your preferences (read: the first time he sees you make/order a cup), he will always have a cup waiting for you.

Rule #81: Pretending to be a married couple and shacking up in the Lexor’s Honeymoon Suite can be more fun that you ever dreamed possible.

Rule #81a: It will be more fun if you decide to share the very large bed.

Rule #81b: He *is* Superman, and *will* hear you if you decide to sleep in the buff.

Rule #82: Clark will allow you to crash at his apartment any time, day or night, regardless of whether you are too tired to go home or whether some lunatic is trying to kill you. Feel free to take advantage.

Rule #83: The only thing deadlier to Clark than Kryptonite is you. Please handle his heart with care. It’s extremely fragile, even if he is totally, physically invulnerable.

Rule #84: It sounds like a movie cliché, but in Clark’s case, a sneeze really *is* a sign of a terminal disease. Feel free to call in the big guns: your father.

Rule #85: Clark is a good dancer, whether ballroom, the two-step, or country line dancing; therefore, if he invites you to dance, the answer should always be “yes.”

Rule #85a: He also has a style of dancing that’s all his own.

Rule #86: Clark is highly vulnerable to magic.

Rule #86a: Keep away from hypnotists.

Rule #86b: Keep away from illusionists.

Rule #86c: Keep away from anyone who knows anything about magic. You just never know what might happen.

Rule #87: Clark speaks 347 different languages. “Lois Lane” is not one of them, especially in the beginning. You may have to spell things out for him.

Rule #88: Just because every blonde in the universe (and at least one other brunette) is attracted to Clark, doesn’t mean he’s interested them. Once he meets you, he’ll never be able to look at another woman that way again… even if it seems to you he is.

Rule #89: The next time Clark gripes about some aspect of his uniform, remind him to think about how much worse it could have been had he chosen one of the rejected outfits his Mom had made.

Rule #90: Don’t worry; it’s not just you — *No one’s* cooking is as good as his Mom’s. (All right, maybe it is her, too, but there’s no reason to tell her that.)

Rule #91: Be aware of rescues in lightning storms. Consequences include being accused of having a child he does not have and a super-powered person interested in making money with his newly acquired abilities.

Rule #92 Be aware of any and all glowing red rocks. Wrap all in lead and transport them to Dr. Klein’s facilities immediately for research for a cure and disposal.

Rule #92a: see Rules # 11, 28, 65 and 72.

Rule #93: Clark loves waxing philosophical about his hometown roots. Let him. Even if it sounds hokey, it’s part of who he is.

Rule #94: If Clark wants to take you to the Corn Festival in Smallville, Kansas, let him. You may find yourself with Clark at his most “Clark.”

Rule #95: Be careful of sleep floating.

Rule #95a: Consequences include destroyed pillows, broken bed frames, and falling Clarks.

Rule #95b: You may or may not enjoy the “falling Clark,” depending on whether you’ve been upset with him controlling your life (or breaking up with you for your own safety before taking it back).

Rule #96: Don’t plan a faraway honeymoon destination; you won’t get there anyway.

Rule #97: Clark is not into bongo drums, swinging from chandeliers or man-eating Cats.

Rule #97a: You really won’t find him in Cat’s Corner.

Rule #98: Clark really is the most law-abiding citizen you will ever know.

Rule #98a: This does not apply to the laws of physics.

Rule #98b: His powers also tend to defy the laws of logic.

Rule #98c: Of course, Clark will make an exception for breaking and entering, if you ask him nicely enough (or just plain drag him along).

Rule #98d: This rule does not apply when his loved ones are in prison.

Rule #98e: Nor does it apply when lives are at risk (i.e. when he steals Miranda’s perfume bottle or Mentamide 5).

Rule #99: Clark is vulnerable to quantum guns; be aware of this and take any and all precautions. He will need time to recover, much longer than the time required to recover from kryptonite.

Rule #100: If you happen to be his boss, do not ask about how he came upon his information in front of people not already in on his secret.

Rule #100a: If you ignore this rule, you will find yourself making incorrect judgments in regards to his investigative articles.

Rule #101: Clark and time travel make for a very bad day, but at least you’ll have some stories to tell.

Rule #101a: Stories to tell to each other, that is, because you’re not going to be able to share them with anyone else, except perhaps your psychotherapist who doesn’t believe you (or Clark) anyway.

Rule #101b: Also to tell your future kids/grandkids, who might believe them. And even if they don’t, you can use them as “made-up-on-the-spot” bedtime stories.

THE END

Table of Contents

Clark Kent 101 A Handbook