You Were My Strength

By Kelly Feenstra (kellyf@pe.net)

Summary: A story of the despair that grips Lois, who's left behind after Clark flies off to New Krypton in the episode "Big Girls Don't Fly."

I dedicate this to my dearest friend, Emerald Shine. Without her I wouldn't have had the courage to write any fanfic at all! She's also my soulmate when it comes to getting emotional about Lois & Clark! ;) My entire purpose of writing this was to give it to Jenn as a sort of present. It's in honor of our "One Year as Internet Friends" anniversary. <g> Love ya, Sis! :)

This fanfic was based on the song "Because You Loved Me" written by Diane Warren and performed by Celine Dion. All rights belong to Ms. Warren and Sony Music Entertainment

[This story was originally titled "Because You Loved Me".]

please send all comments to kellyf@pe.net

***

Lois groaned as her alarm clock buzzer sounded loudly in her ear. Without opening her eyes she shut off the invading noise and rolled over so that her face was buried in her pillow. As was her routine, she began to go over in her mind what she was going to do that day. She got that strange feeling that hits every person now and then, "There's something different about today..." Her mind wasn't clear enough to figure out *what* was different about the day. It was something special, she thought. Suddenly she remembered that it was her birthday. She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed.

"My birthday." She said it without joy, without any enthusiasm whatsoever. She suddenly shivered when a cold burst of air blew through her opened window. She had forgotten to close it last night... Lois' eyes filled with tears that she tried her hardest to hold back. She didn't want to cry anymore. She had cried more than she ever thought she could, and she was tired. Tired of crying. Tired of the facade she put on when she was around other people. Tired of pretending that she wasn't in despair, and tired of pretending that she had any hope. As she closed the window she looked up into the now bright blue sky. The sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in sight, but there were no stars. Lois turned away quickly. The sky was not her friend.

She went back to her bedroom and began pulling out what she would wear that day. Getting ready for the day was no longer something she did with energy. The truth was, she didn't do anything with energy anymore. She felt like she was just going through the motions. Life wasn't something she cared about. Her life had gone from a cold, dark, lonely place to a warm, beautiful dream in less than three years. But then that dream proved to be just what it was, a dream, and it had vanished. The cold, dark place that she had once accepted was now her prison, her hell.

***

Lois wasn't exactly surprised when she stepped off the elevator into the Daily Planet newsroom to find a huge banner wishing her a Happy Birthday and a crowd of her co-workers shouting out cheerful greetings and wishes as she made her way to her desk. She had heard the buzz all week. They had been planning, and Lois wouldn't be called a reporter if she didn't have *some* idea of the little party they were putting on for their prize-winning journalist. It *did* make her smile, though. They had put a lot of love into all they had done.

But Lois couldn't help thinking how different her birthday had been three years ago. No one had even known, and back then she was even glad that no one knew. She had walked to her desk, gotten her assignments, and went through a normal "day on the job". Things had been so different once he had come into her life. He had loved her, which had in turn caused her to find respect for herself, and she began to treat others differently. She had become a new woman, one that people loved and liked to be around, and she believed that it was all because of him.

"Happy Birthday, Lois!!" Jimmy shouted as he ran up to Lois and gave her a big hug. Perry was right behind the young photographer and gave her a hug as well. "Happy birthday, honey." he said more softly as he winked at her and handed her an envelope which Lois took, knowing it was probably birthday money. "Thanks, Perry." she hugged him back, and clung to him a little longer than she had meant to. Lois knew her editor-in-chief could sense her pain, though he didn't really know why she was in pain. It hadn't been easy for her to think of way to explain why Clark had suddenly and unexpectedly disappeared. Lois had told Perry that Clark was forced to take a leave of absence for an extended period of time because he had to go overseas and take care of a legal matter that had occurred years ago, during his traveling days.

She knew it didn't sound very convincing, but being who he was, Perry asked nothing more after that. She could tell by how had treated her afterwards that he believed there was more to the story, a more painful aspect that she wasn't willing to share. This was, in a way true, but he would never be able to know the real truth.

So Lois tried to enjoy the day. She received many gifts and cards and hugs. She smiled more than she had in a long time. After the paper was put to bed that night she went to the Mexican restaurant where they had planned a dinner and dance for her. She even danced with Jimmy and Perry a couple of times. They all laughed and joked together, but when no one was looking at her, Lois looked down at her engagement ring and knew that someone was missing. A part of her was missing with him and she couldn't be truly happy without him. An ironic laugh inadvertently slipped out. Who would have thought that Lois Lane, independent 90's working woman would *need* another person to make her happy?

Lois glanced down at her watched and saw that it was almost eleven. How had she let the time get away from her like that? She jumped up from the table she was sitting at and said her good-bye's quickly.

"Aw, Lois, you're leaving us so soon?" Jimmy inquired sadly.

"Yes, I'm really tired. But thank you *so* much! This has been a wonderful day!" she smiled at Jimmy and patted him on the back. As she made her way through the crowded people on the dance floor and towards the exit she tried to avoid any conversations anyone tried to start with her, saying she *needed* to get home. When she got to her jeep she jumped in as fast as she could, constantly glancing at her watch. Ten minutes till eleven. Though she hated to do it, she broke the speed limit more than once on her trek home.

She almost slipped and fell on her way up the stairs but caught herself just in time. By the time she was in her apartment it was 10:57. She threw her purse down, kicked her shoes off and ran to her window. She opened the window at 11 o'clock on the nose and sank to the floor so that she was sitting cross-legged and looking up into the sky. She had made it just in time. With wide eyes she stared intently up through the black sky to Clark's star. It was shining brightly as it did every night, blinking occasionally. She wondered if it was something in New Krypton's atmosphere that made it blink like that, or if the light was so far away that she just couldn't see a solid beam. She wondered many things, but never got answers. A familiar lump formed in her throat as she tried to speak aloud everything that was in her heart, all the love she had for the man called Clark Kent.

"Clark?" she whispered as she always did, faithfully calling his name every night at 11 o'clock, when New Krypton was shining its brightest. "Clark, I miss you so much. I feel like I can't go on without you. How can I go on? Tell me how to go on, Clark..." She choked on her own words and stopped speaking. Slowly she reached her hand towards the sky and imagined that she was touching it. She could almost feel Clark's arms around her, making her feel safe and protected, lifting her into the sky with him so she could touch the stars. As much as she tried not to cry, the tears once again formed in her eyes as she continued speaking to him. "I'm everything that I am today because you loved me, Clark. You brought joy into my life that I never thought was possible for me to experience. I need you more than anything... my love." She watched as New Krypton began to fade, and the tears fell freely. Another night alone.

***

The next morning Lois awoke with tear stained eyes. Last night had been more emotional than normal. She attributed it to the fact that it had been her birthday, a day she would have spent with Clark. They probably both would have taken the day off and he would have flown her to some new, wonderful place where they would have spent the day together. Lois looked at a photograph sitting on her night stand that Jonathan had taken of them when they had visited Smallville one Spring afternoon for dinner. It had been only a few months before Clark had left to go to New Krypton. She looked at both of their faces. He looked so handsome. His dark hair was in disarray, a few stray strands falling into his eyes. His crooked grin had a hint of mischief in it. His arm was around her and his head was tilted so that it touched lightly against hers. Her hair was also quite a mess. It had been a windy day. Her eyes looked bright and sparkly, and her smile lit up her entire face. Her arm was around Clark's waist. They looked like the perfect couple.

Lois ran her finger slowly over Clark's face. She closed her eyes and tried to remember how that exact moment had felt to her. She and Clark had been instructed by Martha to take the garbage out to the large bin out by the barn, but they had forgotten their assigned task when somehow they got into a tickling match. Lois swore that she didn't start it, though Clark had a completely different story than she did. Martha heard the commotion and finally came out and took the trash over to the bin herself, all the while giving the couple a playful scolding. Lois remembered how they had all started laughing. Then Jonathan came out with his new camera and told Lois and Clark to smile. Clark immediately pulled Lois close to him and kissed her. Then he leaned his head against hers and grinned at the camera. Lois had grinned too. She had never been happier than she was then, close to the only man she had ever, and would ever love. The wind had been cold but once Clark put his arm around her and held her close the cold disappeared and was replaced with a warm feeling, both outside and in.

The image was still vivid in her mind, but Lois' greatest fear was that she *would* forget moments like that. She was afraid that she would forget what Clark looked like. She was afraid that she would forget how his voice sounded when he said her name, or how his eyebrows crinkled a certain way when he was concentrating on a story, or the exciting, wonderful sensation of his kisses, or the warmth of his strong embrace. She was able to remember all these things now, but as time went by, would the images fade? She wanted to believe that she wasn't capable of forgetting things like these, things that were so important to her. But she had to be realistic. It was already hard to put the image of his face in her head without first looking at a picture. So she looked at pictures as often as she could. Those pictures were all she had left of him now, and she didn't know if he was ever coming back, so she valued them above anything else.

***

The next few days passed without any major stories or occurrences. Lois just went about her daily routine as she had been for the last ten months without Clark. She kept her appointment every night at 11 o'clock. She spoke words to him that he would never hear, she dreamed of him every night, thought of him every day, but nothing ever changed, and Lois thought it never would.

On Friday, after a rather slow day at the office she got home and made herself a kettle of oolong tea. Clark had given it to her when she had enjoyed it so much at his apartment once. She swallowed the hot liquid slowly, letting it warm her entire body, but nothing could keep her warm long enough. Every day without Clark left her colder. She stretched out on her couch and picked up Metropolis magazine, trying to get her mind off of her sorrows. It seemed to work for a little while. She read about new tracts of homes, gardening ideas for apartments, and many other normal, everyday things. She soon fell asleep, exhausted from such a long, painful week Her sleep was not restful. It seldom was. She was dreaming the same dream she always had. It was of Clark hovering along the ceiling of the Daily Planet the last time Lois had seen him. He was staring at her and she was looking back at him with some futile hope that he would change his mind. As she continued to stare his face started to disappear right before her eyes. She cried out to him, begging him to stay. "CLARK!! NO! *Please* don't leave me!! Please!" But his face faded more and more until he was nothing but a transparent sort of bubble. Soon the bubble evaporated into nothing and he was gone. In a panic she tried to remember what he looked like but all that appeared in her mind was a foggy cloud of gray. He was gone, out of her mind. She started sobbing uncontrollably. All she wanted to do was die. She fell to the ground and curled up into a little ball. She felt a burst of cold air against her but refused to look up. She knew that it was just the wind mocking her. She expected to hear the horrible laughter anytime soon, but all that met her ears was a dead silence.

Lois then realized she had awakened from her dream and was curled up on the couch, clinging ever so tightly to one of the pillows. Her entire body was shaking. She had never been so miserable in her entire life. This was the ultimate low and she didn't think she could ever get up or move again. Her mind felt numb and she started to close her eyes again when the cold air blew against her again. With chattering teeth she uncurled herself and sat up slowly, squinting through the now dry tears that had removed all the moisture from her eyes. Instead of the window she expected to see, there was a large figure standing on the window sill. The figure wasn't moving. It looked like a statue. At first Lois was very frightened, but then she started to hope it was some menacing creature sent to put her out of her misery. She stood and willed her eyes to adjust to the darkened room and the moonlight. She looked even more carefully at the figure and saw that it was a man, a man with a very familiar look to him, even in the dark. Lois swallowed hard, looked down at her feet and then looked up again to be sure she wasn't seeing things. He was still there, staring at her with an intensity that took her breath away. She was unable to think or feel or move. All of her senses were focused toward the being before her. After what seemed like ages he stepped out of the window sill and into her apartment. The light from the moon flooded his face. It was him, and him alone. Lois suddenly felt a million thoughts and feelings flow through her head at once. It was the most overwhelming feeling she had ever experienced and she started to shake again, but for a completely different reason. She wanted to scream for joy at the top of her lungs. She wanted to run to him and fling her arms around him and never let go for as long as she lived. She wanted to kiss him until she could breathe no more. But all she could do was stand there. There were no words that could express what she was feeling at that moment and she felt as though she was going to fall over and faint. Slowly her mouth opened. She strained her vocal cords just to speak his name, but all that escaped her lips was a choked breath, a sob. In a blur of motion his arms were around her, holding her so tightly against him she could not breathe. All she could smell was him, all she could feel was him. She grabbed tightly onto his shoulders and buried her face in his neck. She closed her eyes. She was not crying. There weren't any tears left to cry. He was holding her. He finally loosened his embrace enough so that she could breathe and her breath came out in uncontrolled and unashamed sobs. He was stroking her hair, caressing her face, holding her tightly against him, making no effort to let her go. She let herself relax completely in his arms. She knew at that moment that life would go on, because he loved her.

No words were spoken that night. None needed to be spoken. Words would never be able to express the infinite love Lois and Clark had for each other. They held each other for hours, their silence speaking more than words ever would. They were together, and nothing would keep them apart ever again. The sun would go on shining, the Earth would go on turning, the ocean would keep on churning, but those things were meaningless without the beauty and the power of true love, the love of Lois Lane and Clark Kent.

"For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see

For all the joy you brought to my life

For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true

For all the love I found in you

I'll be forever thankful baby

You're the one who held me up

Never let me fall

You're the one who saw me through

through it all

[Chorus]

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly

You touched my hand I could touch

the sky

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall

I had your love I had it all

I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe I don't know that much

But I know this much is true

I was blessed because I was

loved by you

[Chorus]

You were always there for me

The tender wind that carried me

a light in the dark shining your love

into my life

You've been my inspiration

Through the lies you were the truth

My world is a better place because of you"

[Chorus]

THE END

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You Were My Strength