Standing at the Edge

By: AnnieM  <unc_annie@yahoo.com>

Rated: PG-13

Submitted: June 2002

Author's Notes:  This story is based on the beautiful song, 'Standing At The Edge Of The Earth' by Blessid Union of Souls.  The lyrics are found at the end of the story.  You certainly do not need to have heard the song to understand the story, but I suggest that everyone listen to it.  It's really beautiful, and the first time I heard it this storyline popped into my head. I can't hear the song without thinking of it. (I even checked the liner notes to see if there was a reference to Lois and Clark by this song. There wasn't, but I'm still not convinced that it wasn't the inspiration for this song. <G>)

An illustrated version of this story can be found at: http://www.unc.edu/~nicholsm/edge.html

Lois flipped through the stack of photographs slowly, tracing her finger lightly over the images of her with her fiancé, laughing, smiling, gazing adoringly at each other....  They were beautiful pictures; beautiful memories.  She felt her chest clench again - a cold fist squeezing her heart.  Oh, god, she didn't want to be left with nothing but memories.  This was supposed to be the beginning, not the end.  They'd waited so long, wasted so much time - *she* had wasted so much time - and now she was losing everything.

Her hands trembled as she placed the pictures in the box beside the nameplate that read, "Lois Kent."  Lois Kent.  When Perry had presented her with the nameplate she had been upset, worried that if she took Clark's name would lose a part of herself, a part of her identity.  She'd give anything to be Lois Kent, now.  To take his name.  To be his wife.

She turned from the box, taking a shaky breath and reaching for the sweater on the table.  She clutched it tightly, breathing in his scent as she folded it.  The doorbell chimed, and she took a few steps toward the door, peering out the peephole, even though she knew who was there.  She opened the door and a lump rose in her throat as she choked out a short greeting.  Then, in an instant, she was in his arms.  He tightened his grip around her, smoothing his hands over her back.  She dropped her head to his shoulder, willing back the tears that threatened to fall.  He squeezed her and sighed deeply, obviously needing to hold her as much as she needed to be held.

She pulled back quickly, knowing that if she allowed herself to stay in his arms any longer, she wouldn't be able to pull away at all, and there were still things she had to tell him.  His hands lingered at her waist, unwilling to let her move away quite yet.

She began babbling about his sweater and the weather on New Krypton, trying futilely to distance herself.

"I don't know what do here, Clark.  I feel like I should bake some cookies or darn some socks," she muttered, knowing full-well how ridiculous those suggestions seemed coming from her, who had never done either successfully in her life.

She raised her eyes to meet his for the first time since she opened the door.  Her lips trembled and her eyes shone bright with unshed tears as she whispered, "I can't even write to you."

"I don't know if I can do this," Clark said quietly.

Lois took a deep breath and held tight to her emotions.  She wanted to beg him to stay.  She wanted to tell him that she loved him, and she needed him more than anyone else ever could. But he needed her to be strong right now.  He had to do this.  They had both agreed on that.  And she knew he would never forgive himself if he didn't go.  It wasn't fair to ask him for something he couldn't give her.

"You can," she reassured him.

"What I want to do is just take you in my arms and fly away."

"From what?" she asked.  "Yourself?  Your destiny? I will be here waiting for you, Clark.  And if you can return, you will."

"You have so much faith in me," he said, his eyes betraying his fear that he would never return to her.

"Well, it's all I have. I think that's all that's keeping me standing here, because when I let myself start to imagine a tomorrow without you, I start to shake," she said, her voice faltering.

"Lois, if there was *any* way I could take you with me, I would."

"I know," she whispered, reaching to caress his face.  She had no doubt that this was hurting him as much as it was hurting her.  No doubt that he wanted nothing more than to stay with her forever.  He had loved her for so long; wanted to be with her for so long.  And now, just when she was finally able to give him the love he deserved, he had to leave.  Life could be so cruel.

She let her fingers glide over his cheeks and his jaw again, memorizing the feel of him, trying not to think about the possibility that this was the last time she would ever be able to touch him.  She had to be strong.  Had to believe that he was coming back to her.  He *was* coming back to her.  Their love had survived so much already.  They had overcome such incredible odds.  She refused to believe that this was the end. He would come back to her, and they would be married.  They had their whole lives - their whole future - ahead of them still.

Her gaze fell to the small, silver box on the table.  She pulled herself from his arms again and moved to the table, picking up the box and removing the lid.  Her fingers traced the tiny object inside for a moment, her heart aching.

"I never got a chance to wear my wedding ring," she whispered, her voice choked with emotion.  They should be married by now.  She should have already been his wife.   "I was hoping you could keep it for me," she said, slipping the chain over his head and adjusting it around his neck.

His hands came to cover hers, and when he spoke his voice too was thick with emotion.  "I'll keep this as safe as I keep my love for you."

He paused, and once again she was overwhelmed by her love for him.  He was so incredible.  He was everything she had ever dreamed of and so much more.  She wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of her life with him.  It was a good dream.  It was their dream.  And now it was being stolen from them again.

His soft, steady voice cut into her reverie.  "In my heart, I *am* your husband."

Lois choked back a sob.  How did he always know exactly what she needed to hear?

"And I'm your wife," she whispered, knowing that it was the truth.  Even without the ceremony, even without the decree, they were married.  They had committed their love and lives to each other, and nothing in this world, or any other, could tear them apart.  She would wait an eternity for him if she had to.

They continued to stare silently into each other's eyes until she pulled him to the window asking him to identify his star.  Here, in her living room, gazing out into vast universe, she felt as if she was standing on the very edge of the earth, looking into forever.  She would wait here for him, here at the edge of the earth.  Waiting.  Always waiting.

She couldn't restrain herself any longer.  She craved his touch.  She turned in his arms, staring into his eyes for a moment before lifting her face to him.  A bittersweet smile graced his lips for just a second, and then he was kissing her.  Her heart lurched as he tugged hungrily at her lips.  She returned his kiss with equal fervor, as if trying to swallow him, drink him into her soul.  The world faded away, and for a moment she could forget that in the morning he would have to leave.  It was just him and her, and for a moment, all was right with the world.

His arms held her tight against his chest as he slowly guided her to the floor, his lips never leaving hers.

"I love you," he whispered against her lips.  "I love you so much.  I need you."

"I know, Clark," she whispered, reminding herself that she wasn't the only one who was scared.  He was leaving everything and everyone he loved to go off to a strange land with people he didn't trust, to fight an enemy who wanted nothing more than to kill him.  He would be fighting in a strange world, with rules he didn't know and could never understand.  And he would have to do all of this without the powers that had become second nature to him.  He must be so frightened.

Suddenly she was overwhelmed with an urge to protect him, shelter him.  He was so fragile.  It was easy to forget that.  Easy to think that because bullets bounced from his chest, because he could lift airliners with his pinky, because he could fly - that he was untouchable.  That nothing could hurt him.  But he could be hurt.  He was sweet and tender and vulnerable. No one knew that better than she.  She had seen the pain in his eyes so many times as he tried to comprehend the incomprehensible, as he tried to understand the evils of the world.  He had seen so much already in his short life - so much more than most others would see in their entire lifetimes.  And so much of what he had seen was painful.  She knew how much it hurt him to see evils he couldn't correct, wounds he couldn't heal.  Even if he wasn't physically wounded on New Krypton, would he ever be able to live with the horrors he was sure to witness?

She kissed him again, a kiss of comfort and love.  A wordless reassurance that she would help him, she would be strong for him.  Anything he needed from her, she would give it and give it gladly.  If only she could take from him the pain she was sure he would feel. "I'm right here.  I'll be right here," she whispered, moving to trail kisses across his cheek and down his neck.  "I love you."

"I don't want to leave you.  I don't ever want to leave you," he pleaded.

Her heart constricted at his quiet confession.

She didn't want him to leave.  It was the last thing she could ever want, but it was something he had to do.   It was something they had decided he had to do.  They had agonized over the decision, and in the end they had approached Zara and Ching side by side and hand in hand, and it was she who told them of their decision.  So many times in the past he had been strong for her, and now he needed her to be strong for him.   She could do that.  She would do that.

"I know you don't," she whispered.  "But it's the right thing to do.  You know that.  I know that.  You could never live with yourself if you didn't go."

"I can't live with the idea that I might never come home to you.  I'm not afraid to die, Lois.  I'm just afraid of being separated from you.  And death...death is the ultimate separation."

"Stop," she whispered, placing a finger to his lips.  "We can do this, Clark.  You won't die there.  You'll come home to me.  I know you will. We haven't come this far to lose everything now.  This isn't the end.  It's still just the beginning.  This is just a glitch.  It's just one more test of our love.  You'll go and you'll win and you'll come home to me.  And then our lives will really begin.  We'll get married and have a family and we'll never be apart again.  This isn't the end, Clark."

Tears shone in his eyes as he listened to her impassioned speech.  "I want to believe you. I want to have your faith."

"I believe in you, Clark.  I believe in us."

"I believe in us," he whispered.

She slipped her hand around his neck and tugged him down to her, sealing her lips against his.  A small sob escaped him as she threaded her fingers through his hair and deepened the kiss.

His hands ran restlessly over her body as if he was trying to reassure himself that she was actually there.  She didn't realize she was crying until his hand was cupping her cheek, his thumb gently wiping the tears away.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, pulling away.  "I promised myself that I would never hurt you; never make you cry."

She drew a ragged breath and raised her watery gaze to meet his.  "I don't want to us to be sad tonight.  I just want our last night together - our last night until you return," she correct quickly, "to be beautiful.  We have so little time left before you leave, Clark.  Let's not spend it saying we're sorry, or crying."

"Lois," he whispered, his voice unsteady.

"Make love to me, Clark.  Please."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  When he opened his eyes again, she could see the emotions warring behind them.  "Lois, I can't - won't make love to you to say goodbye.  This isn't the end, remember?  It's just the beginning.  I don't want to have one night to remember. I want a million nights.  I want forever."

"Oh, Clark.  So do I.  This isn't goodbye.  It's just....  I just want forever to start tonight.  We've waited so long.  Wasted so much time.  We could be married by now.  We *should* be married by now.  It's not something to remember you by.  It's something to look forward to.  A preview of our life together."

"If we make love....  I don't think I'll be strong enough to leave you," he whispered.  "This is so hard, already.  So impossible.  If I have to go, knowing how incredible it feels to make love to you ... I don't think I can do it."

She said nothing, knowing this was a decision he had to make for himself, but thought again of the horrors he would face in such a short time, and prayed that he would let her give him this - give him something beautiful to take with him.

"Lois," he whispered, shaking his head helplessly.

"I love you," she said simply.

"I love you too," he said softly, pulling away from her, and rising to his knees.

She looked and him questioningly, then smiled softly as he slid his arms under her, pulling her to his chest.

"Not here," he whispered.  "I don't want the first time we make love to be in the middle of the floor."

She nodded almost imperceptibly, then sighed and relaxed against him, resting her head against his shoulder as he walked slowly into the bedroom.

He laid her on the bed and lowered himself to lie beside her.  His hand came up slowly, softly caressing her face.  "I love you, sweetheart," he whispered.  Then he bent his head to hers, capturing her lips in a sweet, gentle kiss.

The world faded slowly away, leaving them alone in universe.  Their mouths clasped and unclasped, their hands explored lovingly, removing the clothing that separated them.  Soon they were both lost in each other completely, awash in the sensations of finally being able to express physically the love they had felt for so long.

Clark dropped his head to her shoulder, trailing kisses along her collarbone.  Her eyes fluttered open and she found herself staring out of the window into the dark night.  The stars twinkled innocently, no sign of the evil that lurked out there somewhere.  She was enchanted by their beauty, and as much as she wanted to hate the stars and the cold universe for stealing her love from her - even if for just a short time - she couldn't.  Not tonight.  Not with him still here, touching her, loving her.

She turned her head, watching her hand come to stroke his hair, glistening in the moonlight.  He raised his head to meet her gaze, and she smiled at him.  He lowered his lips to hers again, pushing the last remnants of conscious thought from her mind.

Later, they lay in each other's arms, their passion extinguished but their love still burning bright. They were silent, their love already expressed in a language beyond words.  She lay with her head on his chest, listening to the steady, soothing sound of his heartbeat.  As if sensing her thoughts, he reached for her hand, bringing it to rest over his heart, letting her feel the strength of his devotion, telling her wordlessly that his heart beat for her.

She sighed gently, allowing herself to believe that this night was endless.  That there was no tomorrow, only tonight.  There was only here, and now, and the love they shared.  And lulled by the steady pattern of his beating heart, she drifted into a peaceful sleep.

*****

Lois wrung her hands nervously, trying desperately to retain her composure as she waited for Clark to complete his speech.  As he addressed his "world full of heroes" her mind replayed the last twenty-four hours.  Their lovemaking last night, and again this morning, had been incredible but bittersweet.  It was the best night of her life, but the worst also.  How was she ever going to be able to watch him go?

Clark entered the room quietly, closing the door behind him.  He walked to his parent's side, and as Lois listened to his short, but heartfelt declaration, she was touched again by the love and respect he had for the only parents he had ever known.  Her thoughts strayed briefly to his other parents - the parents who had loved him enough to send him across the universe, but who had never told him exactly who he was, or what that could mean for him.  Did they know?  Could they guess?  Did they have any idea what would happen almost thirty years after they packed their tiny baby into a spaceship and sent him off to live amongst a race of people they had never met?  Did they ever dream that he would someday reclaim his title, his duty as their leader?  Could they imagine what he would give up to live his legacy?

He turned to her, touching her only briefly.  He took a shaky breath and tried to retain his stoic hero fa‡ade, but one look into his eyes told her how hard this was for him.  He opened his mouth, but there were no words.  She knew he was searching for words he couldn't find, words he never dreamed he'd have to say.  There was no easy way to say goodbye to the love of your life.  To know that this could be the last time they ever saw each other.

She pushed the thought from her mind immediately.  She *would* see him again.  He would return to her.

"Take care of them for me," he whispered.

It seemed like so little to say in the last moments they had together, but she knew just how tenuous his grasp on his emotions was.  They had said their real goodbyes this morning, lying in bed in each other's arms.  She longed to go to him now; craved the feel of his arms around her.  But they had known that would be impossible.  It was Superman who would have to fly away in a matter of moments, not Clark Kent.  If they embraced - if he touched her - neither of them would be able to hold back any longer.  Their emotions would get the better of them, and their secret would be exposed.  And they couldn't afford to let that happen.  Not just because it would put her in danger, but because *when* he returned, they needed to know that they could live their life together.  He needed to be able to return as Clark Kent once he was finished being Kal-El.

Her fingers dipped slowly below the neckline of his suit to extract the tiny ring tucked securely against his chest.  He took a shuddering breath, watching her closely.  She caressed it for a second, and couldn't help but smile a little.  It symbolized so much to them.  She carefully tucked it back inside, making sure the chain was not noticeable.  Her fingers lingered, reluctant to lose contact with him, and her eyes filled with tears as she looked up at him.

"Don't forget me," she whispered, voicing her deepest fear.

"Lois," he started, the words barely escaping his clenched jaw.  His eyes betrayed his emotions, and she knew he was seconds from breaking down - from taking her into his arms and refusing to leave her.

A sudden motion drew her attention, and she saw Zara and Ching standing in the doorway.  Oh, God.  Not yet.  Please, no.  She wasn't ready.  Just a few more minutes.  Just one more touch.

But she'd never truly be ready.  There weren't enough minutes or touches in the world to prepare her for what was coming.  What had come.

"It's time," she whispered, an icy fist clenching her heart.  She'd known all along that this moment would come.  That she'd have to stand back and watch him fly off with them.  She knew he was returning to her - believed with all her heart that he'd do everything within his power to return to her.  Yet, she still felt like she was losing everything.  He was her heart, her life, and without him....  She felt like she was dying.

He turned and walked with them, pausing before the crowd of assembled journalists and dignitaries present to capture his final moments on earth.  Slowly, Zara and Ching rose into the air, eliciting a muted gasp from the crowd.

She watched silently as Clark followed, meeting them at the window.  The same window he had flown her through the first day she had seen him in the suit.  That seemed like a million years ago now.  She had been so awed by him then.  And now, as she watched him hover, obviously torn between a world that needed him and the woman who loved him, she was awed again.  He was so good, so selfless.  What had she ever done to deserve the love of such a wonderful man?

In the blink on an eye, Zara and Ching were gone, and only Clark remained.  He hesitated, his eyes locking with hers.  He wavered, his resolution waning ... and then he was gone.

Gone.

"It's over," she gasped, the words coming of their own volition. "Everything's over.  I shouldn't have let him go," she cried, heedless of the crowd around her.

She felt Jonathan and Martha reach to steady her, and heard the sound of Jonathan's voice offering what she supposed were words of encouragement.  But she wasn't with them.  She was oblivious to the world around her, lost in a whirl of sudden desperation and dread.  She had lost him.  He was the one perfect thing in her life, and he was gone.  How could she ever survive without him?

She closed her eyes, and swayed as the world shifted around her, sights and sounds overwhelming her.  And then his voice came, soothing her, reassuring her.  The sweet words he had whispered as he held her only hours ago.

"I love you.  I need you.  Nothing can keep us apart.  I'll come back to you.  I'll come back as soon as I can.  I love you...."

The rest of the morning was a blur. She had a vague recollection of Perry driving her home, but no clear idea of how she wound up on her couch, alone.  She uncurled herself slowly, her joints stiff from being in the same position for so long, and wiped her eyes slowly.  She walked towards the window, drawn to his star.  She had told him she would wait for him here, and she would.  She'd wait a lifetime if necessary.  And she knew that he would return to her...someday.

That thought, and the dream of their future together, would keep her going.  All her hopes lay in the someday that would come when he was in her arms again, safe and sound.

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, reaching for him with her soul.  Her heart swelled with her love for him.  She loved him so much.  She needed his presence with her to keep her strong.

Someday.

And then she could feel him.  It was so strong, so powerful.  She could hear his voice calling her name.

"Lois....  Lois....  I love you...."

Her eyes followed the streak that she knew must be his ship leaving for distant galaxies and a war she couldn't comprehend.  A ship carrying the man she loved far away from her, but also a ship that would bring him home again.

Someday.

*****

The End

*****

Standing At The Edge Of The Earth

Blesssid Union of Souls

I knew that this moment would come in time

That I'd have to let go and watch you fly

I know you're coming back so why am I dying inside

Are you searching for words that you can't find

Trying to hide your emotions but eyes don't lie

Guess there's no easy way to say goodbye

So I'll be standing at the edge of the earth

Hoping that someday you'll come back again

I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping for someday

Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say

I don't want to let you leave this way

I want you to know that I stand right by your side

And I know this may be

The very last time that we see each other cry

But whatever happens know that I'll...

I'll be standing at the edge of the earth

Hoping that one day you'll come back again

I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday

You'll come back to me

I'll be praying for whatever it's worth

Believing that one day you'll come back to me

I'll be standing at the edge of the earth

Hoping for someday

And I know this may be

The very last time that we see each other cry

But whatever happens know that I'll...

I'll be standing at the edge of the earth

Hoping that one day you'll come back again

I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday

You'll come back to me

I'll be praying for whatever it's worth

Believing that one day you'll come back to me

I'll be standing at the edge of the earth

Hoping for someday

Waiting for someday

Believing in someday

Praying for someday, I'll be...

Longing for someday

Clinging to someday

Cherishing someday, I'll be...

Thinking of someday

Dreaming of someday

Wishing for someday, I'll be...

Living for someday

Counting on someday

Knowing that one day...

I will see you