Saying Goodbye

by Wendy Richards <wendy@lcfanfic.com>

Rated: G

Submitted: March 2004

Dedicated to the memory of our FoLC friend Yael Kfir,  murdered by a terrorist on 9 September 2003, at the age of  21.

~ Saying Goodbye ~

Hey Jenna,

Sorry I haven't been to see you in a while. I hate to think  that you've been lonely without me. Thing is, I've been in  Metropolis the last few weeks. They sent me there, all  hush-hush, because we heard that Intergang had got their  hands on this new drug. They had, and I got to the bottom  of that - a beauty of a pill called Resurrection. You take  it, and within minutes it looks like you're dead. Only  you're not - around twenty-four hours later you wake up and  you're just fine. Nice way to break someone out of jail,  huh?

Anyway, the Agency wanted me to stick around for a while  after that - there was this Project Nirvana, a drug a  company called Omnicorp wanted approval for, and they were  willing to bribe their way to getting what they wanted.  You'd have loved it, Jenna - I went undercover as an FDA  agent. They were totally suckered. It was a great bust.

So once I've given my depositions, I'll be heading back to  DC, but I wanted to let you know where I've been in case  you were worried.

Actually... that's not the only reason I'm writing, Jenna.  See, while I was in Metropolis I met somebody.

Yeah. A woman.

Lois Lane. That's her name. She's a reporter - works for  the Daily Planet. Won lots of awards, too. You probably  haven't heard of her, though - she's only been at the paper  since around '89.

Yeah. The same year you died.

Lois is beautiful. That was the first thing I noticed about  her. But not the only thing. You know me - good looks are  nice, but I like a bit more to my women. And Lois has that  all right. She's pretty smart. Well, with three Kerth  awards to her name, I guess she'd have to be. She's brought  down a lot of criminals, too - do you remember Preston  Carpenter? He bought the Metropolis Star a couple of years  back, and Lois figured out that he was creating accidents -  actually putting people's lives at risk - to get headlines  for his paper. And then there was this Russian spy guy who  got hold of some nuclear weapons - pretty dangerous stuff.  And Lois got to him as well. Actually, the only serious bad  guy she didn't get the drop on was Lex Luthor. But you  can't win `em all.

Anyway, I figured pretty quickly that Lois was one smart  lady. And that was almost my undoing. You know me - when  I'm on a job I like to keep my cards pretty close to my  chest about what I'm up to. And I always figured I was good  at coming up with cover stories. But it didn't fool Lois. I  didn't tell her anything about the Omnicorp investigation,  but she worked it out all by herself. If I hadn't been  pissed with her for checking me out behind my back, I'd  have wanted to kiss her for being so clever.

Yeah. Actually... um... well, I did kiss her a couple of  times. Well, you see, I was dating her.

It was complicated. She'd been seeing this guy Kent - he's  her partner at the Planet and they seem to go back a long  way. They were pretty close friends, but the way I saw it,  Kent was doing a darned good job of blowing it. The two of  them had been out on a date - yeah, just one date, Lois  told me - before I met her. But he hadn't asked her out  again. Another friend of his, a local assistant DA, got  killed in an explosion. And... oh heck, I have to tell you  this up front cause you'll only figure it out if I don't -  the guy who planted the bomb was Sean McCarthy. Yeah. Same  guy. Well, I got him this time. He's in jail. And he's  staying there a long time.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Kent. Well, it was kind of  obvious that Lois was feeling frustrated. It looked to her  as if Kent was carrying a torch for his friend Mayson, and  she was out in the cold. So I asked her out. And she said  yes.

Sounds simple, huh? But it wasn't. It never is.

See, Kent saw me as competition. We had a few frank  exchanges of view. Hey, I can handle that and, like I told  him, you snooze, you lose. And he'd slept like Rip van  Winkle, from what Lois said. But still, he was fighting for  Lois, and some of the time she'd let him win. She stood me  up a couple of times for him - but then, I muscled in on  him and her a couple of times too. Like they say, all's  fair...

And, heck, I know how to treat a woman. Keep her smiling.  Keep her laughing, even. Remember all those crazy presents  I used to bring you? And you'd smile politely and wonder  what the heck they were supposed to be? But it was fun,  wasn't it? Figuring out what it was and why I even remotely  imagined you'd like it? And in the end you kept them all -  you thought I didn't know, but after you were killed I went  to your apartment. I saw them all in that closet in your  bedroom. I was touched, Jenna. I just wish McCarthy hadn't  got to you before we had the time and the courage to tell  each other how we felt.

I think you'd have liked Lois. She's funny, too, as well as  being beautiful and smart. And she's passionately committed  to her job, and to the cause of justice. Hates seeing the  bad guys win. Just like you. I think you'd have been  friends. Maybe.

Anyway, it wasn't to be with Lois. I guess I underestimated  the way she felt about Kent. Or maybe she was just using me  all along to make him jealous. I don't know. Though I think  we did have some good times together. I'm pretty sure that  she enjoyed being with me. Okay, we both know that I can be  egotistical, but I mean that. She liked my company.  Whatever else, we became friends.

Friends. Yeah, you and I know what that's like. It's great  if you really are friends and if that's all you want it to  be. But that was never how it was for us, and it's not how  it was for Lois and Kent. Clark. I really have to start  calling him Clark. Especially if Lois invites me to the  wedding. Yeah, there'll be a wedding. Not yet - I mean, I  don't think she even knows if he loves her yet. They've got  a lot of honest talking to do before they get even close to  discussing weddings.

I told her that, too. When she told me that she didn't want  to go out with me any more. That she'd finally decided what  it was she really wanted. That she'd only been making  excuses to stop herself making that decision. I was just in  the right place at the right time - I made it possible for  her to put off for later what she needed to do now. Or long  before now.

It's so easy to put things off, isn't it, Jenna? We think  we have our whole lives ahead of us. So it doesn't matter  if we don't have the courage to say what we really feel  right now, right this minute. It doesn't matter, because  there'll always be another time. Tomorrow. Next week. Next  month. Next year.

There'll always be another time.

But sometimes there just isn't any time left. Sometimes  time runs out and we don't even know it before it's too  late.

Time can run out in one solitary second. One last tick and  then the explosion, and it's all over.

And then the regrets start. Why didn't I talk to her? Why  didn't I tell her how I really feel? Why didn't I just  seize the day and make it happen?

I told Lois that. Though I think she'd already figured it  out for herself. And she sent me away then - I think she's  with Kent now. I wished her luck. And I hope that she gets  what she wants. I hope they're happy together.

I thought Lois might be The One, Jenna. I thought maybe if  I tried hard enough I could fall in love with her. There  were plenty of reasons to, after all. She was so much my  type. She had everything I want in a woman.

Except one thing. She isn't you, Jenna.

I can hear you telling me that it's been nearly six years.  That I should have moved on long ago. That I need to find  someone else. And you're right. Every morning I wake up and  realise that I'm still here and I have to live another day  without you, I tell myself that I have to let you go and  move on.

I want to move on, Jenna. But how can I when I still carry  you with me in my heart everywhere I go?

How can I when every time I see an explosion or read about  a bomb going off I think of you? I see the warehouse  explode, Jenna. I see you with your hand on the door. I'm  wishing I could go back in time to scream at you to get  out, to run, to do anything you can to get out of there. To  beg you not to open the door.

And inside my head, every time, I'm pleading with you again  not to die. To come back to me.

I'm sobbing my heart out, telling you that I love you.

I did that, Jenna, as I watched you lie there dead. And I  wished that I could have died with you.

I would have. Do you know that? You know I was right behind  you when you cracked open that warehouse door. The bomb  went off - remember? And you got thrown backwards in the  blast. You never had a chance.

I got away alive. I shouldn't have. I wish I hadn't. Why  did I have to survive while you died?

Oh, I was hurt. A few burns. A broken arm where I fell  awkwardly. But none of that mattered. Not when you were  dead.

I crawled over to where you'd fallen, hoping... just hoping  that there was something I could do for you. I tried mouth- to-mouth, but you were already dead. I collapsed on the  ground beside you, Jenna, and all I could say, over and  over, was that I love you.

But it was too late.

Why did we waste those years, Jenna?

Why did we never tell each other how we felt?

It wasn't as if I didn't know. I fell for you the very  first day we met. You were sassy and funny and very, very  determined. I practically had to promise to work every  holiday that year to get you as my partner. Yet I never  told you how I felt. I teased you and flirted but never  asked you out.

I thought that we had all the time in the world. I thought  we could just enjoy the flirting game for as long as it  took. I mean, I was pretty sure that you wanted me too, so  I wasn't worried about losing you to another guy.

Instead I lost you to a bomb.

I never even kissed you. I never held you in my arms until  that day when you lay dead on the ground beside me. I never  told you that I love you.

And that's why I haven't moved on, Jenna. Because all I can  think about is that I wasted my chance with you. I had the  most special woman in the world in my life, and I did  nothing about it.

Getting to know Lois was nice. It was fun. And I did - I do  - find her attractive. But I was never in any danger of  falling in love with her. Being with her showed me that I'm  just not ready to move on yet.

It's been six years, Jenna. More than time for me to come  to terms with losing you and to learn to move on. And  that's why I'm writing to you now.

I need to say goodbye.

Goodbye to the most wonderful, special woman I ever knew.  Goodbye to someone I will always remember. Someone  beautiful, funny, smart, ambitious, never afraid of a  challenge, who was determined, who had a passionate belief  in right and wrong. Someone who loved her country and  fought against those who threatened it. A woman who was  loyal and dedicated. The best friend I have ever had and  could ever have wished for.

While we were busy living, time was busy ticking away. I  forgot what Benjamin Franklin once said: "Does thou love  life? Then do not squander time; for that's the stuff life  is made of."

We squandered the time we had together, and we are poorer  for its loss - just as my life is emptier without you.

But it's time to say goodbye and learn to get on with my  life without you.

Goodbye, Jenna. I love you and I will always miss you.

~ The End ~

Author's note:

I decided to write a story from Dan's point of view because  when Yael took part in a roleplaying game on the fic list a  few years ago, she took the character of Dan Scardino. Her  portrayal was acute, funny and - as the game advanced -  very poignant as Dan had to deal with the death of Alt- Lois, whom he'd been dating. This was her final post in the  role (thanks to Hazel for digging it out):

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth is, nothing is fine. I walk around the streets of  this idiotic city and can think of nothing. Not even about  her. Everything seems useless, everybody is indifferent.  Where can I go? I can't get myself to visit her apartment  but I don't want to leave just yet. Who knows, maybe she'll  show up. I keep telling myself it's impossible, but until a  week ago I also considered cloning people as impossible. I  went to the hospital, and they told me only family is  allowed. They wouldn't even let me see her body. And why?  It doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense these days. Not  the Cafes we won't visit, not the movies we won't watch.

Everybody talked about how much she was like you. I've got  news for you she was *nothing* like you. She was naive, and  caring, and funny, and sensitive and I could go on like  this forever, but it doesn't help now! It doesn't matter  anymore. She looked like you. That was all your  resemblance. Apparently, it was enough to get her killed.

Why do people we love have to die, Lois? Why can't we all  live forever and be happy? Is it too much to ask for? Whom  should I ask?

I think I'll get a plane out of here tomorrow. And then  again, maybe I'll just get out of my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And this was her farewell post to the fanfic list in  October 2000:

~~~~~~~~~~~ From: Yael Kfir [SMTP:zaglembia@M...] Sent: Sunday, October 15, 2000 11:47 AM To: LOISCLA-GENERAL-L@L... Subject: [LOISCLA-GENERAL-L] OT: Not-goodbye

Dear Friends,

On this coming Monday - October 16, 2000 - I will recruit  the Israeli Defense Forces for a compulsory service of two  and a half years.

I wanted to thank you all for the last two years. I know I  lurked here most of the time, yet I felt a real part of  this community. I was so proud to be 'an acquaintance' of  so many talented people.

I admire all the writers for their talent to write and  courage to publish; I apologize for all the times I didn't  send feedback, no matter what was the reason. I was  cleaning my hard-drive today (and my room. And the closet,  and the bookcase - I am in a cleaning mood!) and found the  sketches to the fanfic I started to write once. I had a  noble thought about writing all night and posting it as a  good-bye message, but it was even more difficult than what  I thought, so I'll just have to stay in the list until I  finish it (or at least put it in an organized draft  format...)

I am not removing myself from the list - I will try to see  how I manage in the weekends. Yet this is 'an end of an  era' for me and the beginning of a new one, and I wanted to  share it with you.

Yael (going to sleep now, as only an hour ago she succeeded  in shooing all her friends from her house) 15 Oct. 2000 03:36am Ashkelon, Israel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is my small tribute to a lovely, funny FoLC whose life  was tragically cut off when it was only just beginning, and  whom we will miss very much. For more information about  Yael, see here:   http://www.mfa.gov.il/mfa/go.asp?MFAH0nrc0

Thanks to Kaethel for beta-reading very speedily and at no  notice at all.

It is my wish that this story not be considered eligible  for the Kerth Awards.

WMR 16 March 2004

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