Little Miss Honky Tonk

By Erin Dawn McInnis (emcinnis@pris.bc.ca)

Summary: Lois gets "volunteered" to cover the Metropolis Little Miss Honky Tonk contest ... as a contestant, in this humorous story.

Warning! This fanfic contains scenes involving country music, which may be offensive to some. Reader discretion is advised. ;)

***

Lois sat at her desk, twiddling with a paper clip. She glanced across to Clark's desk, which was still empty. He had left in the middle of a conversation again, rushing out to do who knows what. Not that he was missing anything. It had been a slow day so far, with no signs of improvement. Lois perked up when Perry left his office and walked towards her. Maybe there was a national crisis, or an international crisis, or even better, a Superman sighting for her to cover.

"Lois, I've got a story for you and Clark. The city of Metropolis is holding the first annual Little Miss Honky Tonk Contest this weekend."

"Isn't that Cat's area of expertise?" Lois asked, returning to boredom.

"She was going to cover it, but she had to leave town on family business. So I'll need you two to cover it."

"Both of us? No offense, Perry, but the Little Miss Honky Tonk pageant isn't exactly a front page story."

"Well, ah, Lois," Perry tried to break it to her gently, "Cat had planned on writing a behind-the-scenes story. From the view of the contestant."

"So give me the name of the contestant, and I'll interview her after the contest."

"There isn't a contestant. Cat was going to enter herself."

"But, then how..." It suddenly dawned on Lois what Perry was getting at. "No. You don't mean...?"

***

Lois stood in the backstage of Hal's Country & Western Bar, dressed in a ridiculously tight pair of jeans and a denim vest over a white, cropped t-shirt. She had done well in the fashion show and had kicked butt in the line-dancing competition. All that was left was the final part: the singing contest. A petite redhead with a pointy nose was on stage now, singing "And Still" in a twangy voice. Up next was a long-legged blond with an extremely short denim skirt, not to mention silicone implants. And then it would be Lois' turn. She was rehearsing the words in her head, when she heard someone clear his throat behind her. Lois turned to find Clark standing there, wearing a pair of old, worn jeans and a white cotton shirt, looking as handsome as ever.

"Come to wish me luck?" Lois asked.

"I don't think you need it. You were great out there."

"Well, it's not over yet."

"Good thing there isn't a cooking contest involved," teased Clark.

"Very funny," Lois smiled, not insulted for once.

The crowd's applause indicated that the redhead had stopped singing. She bowed, and walked off the stage. The blond took her place, and began to sing "When You Say Nothing At All" in gentle tones.

"Hey!! That's MY song!" Lois nearly shouted. "Now what am I going to do?"

"You better think fast. You only have till the end of the song." Clark looked at his watch. "I have to get back to my seat now." On impulse, Clark gave Lois a soft, lingering kiss on the lips. "For luck," he explained.

After he had gone and her head had returned from the clouds, Lois started thinking about which song to sing. The applause started again, and the blonde stepped off the stage, still blowing kisses to the judges. She looked Lois up and down, and gave a short smirk. Lois was about to go after the peroxide floozy, when she heard the emcee say into the microphone, "And now, ladies and gentleman, our final contestant, Louisa Laneford." Lois winced. Couldn't Perry have thought of a more imaginative fake name?

Lois stepped from behind the curtain, and walked over to the accompanist, and whispered the name of the first song that came into her head.

She walked up to the microphone, and while waiting for the music to start, sought out the face of her partner. She saw him sitting at a table in the second row, smiling encouragingly. Then the music started, and Lois began to sing.

Any man of mine better be proud of me Even when I'm ugly he still better love me And I can be late for a date that's fine But he better be on time

Lois' began walking and dancing around the stage while she sang.

Any man of mine'll say it fits just right When last year's dress is just a little too tight

She wiggled her hips, and pouffed her hair.

And anything I do or say better be okay When I have a bad hair day

The occupants of Hal's were tapping their toes and clapping along with the music. Lois turned and walked up the stage until she was right in front of Clark as she sang:

And when I cook him dinner and I burn it black He better say, mmmm, I like it like that

Clark laughed aloud, causing those around him to stare at him curiously. "Ah, it's a private joke," he told them. He turned back to watch Lois raise her arms while she belted out the final chorus...

Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, YEAH I like it that way!

As Lois finished the song, the thunderous applause drowned out the last cords of music. She took her bow, and picked up the rose Clark had thrown at her feet. Smiling a quick thank-you to him, Lois went backstage, to wait for the judges to decide the winner.

When the judges had reached their decision, all of the contestants were herded onto stage. The judges announced the third and second places. Finally, they read out the winner. The emcee took the microphone, and said, "And now, cowgirls and cowboys, Metropolis' first Little Miss Honky Tonk is..." A drumroll sounded. "Miss Louisa Laneford!" The bar filled with applause.

Lois stepped up to the microphone and said her thank yous. The emcee handed her a bouquet of roses, and placed a white cowboy hat with a solitaire-studded band on her head. "Ladies and gentlemen, may I present her highness, Little Miss Honky Tonk." More applause sounded, and continued well after Lois left the stage.

Clark was waiting for her backstage to congratulate her. Lois ran into his arms and hugged him. "You were fabulous, honey." Clark stared into her eyes. "You make a great buckle bunny."

"Thank you, Clark. I was inspired. I just started thinking about farm-boys..." she smiled softly.

"Come on, your highness, I want the first dance." Taking her by the hand, Clark led Lois back out onto the dance floor. The serene melody of a romantic country love song filled the air, and Clark held Lois tightly while they swayed to the music.

"Lois?"

"Hmm?" Lois murmured against Clark's chest.

"Would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night?" he asked.

"Only if I don't have to cook."

The End.

'Any Man of Mine' is the property of Shania Twain.

THE END

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